How long do I need to wait?
How long do I need to sit?
How long do I need to pray?
How long do I need to joke?
For the one I desire the most

People comes, people leaves, that is how life is like....
We can't stop them from coming and interrupt our peaceful life
Nor we can't stop them from leaving our life...

They can come by just to say 'hi', just to check you out if you're ok,
They can also leave you lonely, and leave you only memories with them in them...
They can make you happy as if the world has no worries,
They can make you cry as if the world has turn into chaos...
They can be the light at the darkest moment,
Yet they can also be the darkness that covers our heart....

Please, be my ears, listen to me, I want to change,
Give me the strength to keep on,
Please, be gentle hands, touch me, I want to be happy,
Give me the happiness i longed for,
Please, be my heart, feel me, I want to love,
Give me the one I desire, to show her love.

Its been so long...i forgot when was the last blog i posted here....
No one would even read my blog, but i kept writting them....
I dunno why did i even think of coming back here...
Nothing has changed...
Its all the same...

What is with me anyway?
Thinking of you like it was yesterday...
Thinking of you like there was still hope...
Thinking of you when I want to change...
Thinking of you when I am still "me"...

God has yet to answer me, my questions
My question of how to forget you
My question of how to change "me"
My question of how to get you closer to me
My question of how to get me closer to you
My question of how to fall in love again
My question of how to change things............

Doing things on my own, with my own ways and with my own strengths
had tiring me down, I wanna rest, I wanna escape, I wanna run,
but proof no results, try to rest, try to escape, try to run,
but proof no meaning, why I wanna rest, why I wanna escape, why I wanna run,
away from this cruel reality, this cruel truth, this cruel way of living....
proof no connections....

To whoever reading this, to whoever care of this, I am happy, because I know,
someone still care, someone still love, someone still think,
I am exist....
In this cruel world, in this cruel reality, in this cruel truth, I had lived in...

Being a man is hard, but being a man who is ignorant is harder.....

Everyone says that on the 21st year of your life...very special things will happen in your life...
and now i know what my present on my 21st year of my life would be...
a devastating, poverty, n poor life...a life where i can never reach the goal that i wish for...
the goal that i made...
it's sucks to be living for 21 years n yet nothing great come out of me...
all i can do is just sit back n watch as my family works hard while i can't do anything to help them...
all i can do is just watch...
i am helpless and i am an idiot to still holding believes about my goals n dreams will b coming true...
i wanna abandon all hopes n dreams now...i really wanna to leave this place at once...
i wanna restart my life...i wanna help my family, so that they will never suffer again....

i really wanna to have the ability to help not to watch as things go by...
i really sucks of being the eldest son in the family...
i really sucks at being a human being...i sucks at everything...

It's been a while...i had pick up smoking once again n i wonder why is that??
I started out smoking when i was still a high school-er n stop when i finished high school...
Its exactly been a year i started smoking n a year i stopped but yet i started it out again...funny,huh?
I wonder why??because of my friend??because of i wanted to??or it was because of you??
I started it out when i was forced into a world of loneliness, a world where only darkness imply, none shall experience this yet i did...after that accident...
WHY!! I asked myself...WHY!!
I should be able to hold it off like i always do but why can't i let you go...no matter how time flies or how i try to forget...THERE WOULD A PIECE OF YOU IN MY MIND!!!WHY!!!
I tried to cry but it wouldn't work...my tears had long stopped flowing...
I tried to work myself out...my body is the only that tired out not my mind...
I tried to run...no matter when i go, there is still you...

Latter on i smoked...AH~what a relief...i found something which i could use as an excuse to get YOU out of my mind...
I know i am killing myself, i am committing suicide in a slow way...but YOU wouldn't stop hunting me...
Maybe it is not you, the reason i smoke again...maybe it was all along me who can't let go of things and still having beliefs that will not become true...
HAHA~i laughed whenever my mind came across with YOU in it...
I laughed is not because i found it funny but found it annoying, so annoying that, the only way to stop it is to laugh it out....

Ah..ah~maybe it was all me all along, to think that a person like me who possess both strong will n strong heart to start back smoking, is really something to laugh about...haha....

Despair

I wonder how long had it been....that i am being left alone....n no one would actually called n say something to me...
I wonder how long had it been....that i am being stuck in my own emotions.....n no one would notice that...
I wonder how long had it been....that i fell into a no ending hole of despair....n no one would help me n save me....
I wonder how long had it been....that i realized i am only surviving on my own....n no one would be there for me

Despair is how i feel now,
Despair is how i live now,
Despair is now become my friend,
Despair is now the way i live in.....

The world that I live in is only Despair and Hopeless...
My so called friends, so called brothers, are just illusion for me,
When I really need a hand, no one answer...no one would ever hear from me...
I wanna talk about it, but I think its better for me to keep it with me...
Till the day I am no longer having a body, n became dust that roaming the world freely.....

I would not cry and I would not run away...even if i am all alone...
I would fight and I will win...even if I am all alone...
I would stand up everytime I fall...even if I am all alone...
I would...being despair...and still live my life as it is...

Even if I am all alone.....

I can't promise that i can give u everything that u desire,
I can't promise that i can love u how your exes do,
I can't promise that i can give a life which u deserve the most,
I can't promise that i can be how you wanted me to, but;

I will give my only heart and only soul to u,
I will love you no matter how you complain,
I will give you a life which u live the happiest,
I will never make you become what you don't want to....

I promise I LOVE YOU...till the light fades,
I LOVE YOU...till the rain never touches the sea,
I LOVE YOU...till the sea dries...
I LOVE YOU...till my tears never drop....

Someone had never been in love before...does he really qualify of giving advice in love??
Someone had never understand or appreciate any joke before....does he really qualify of listening to a joke?
Someone who like to make fun of other people while thinking it as a joke...does he really have the right to judge people?
Someone who has never been serious about something....does he seriously able to do everything?

these are the people i meet everyday and everywhere......