It's cold...it is really cold here...the world is cold...i can't find any warmth in any place now....not even in my house....not among myself....all i can feel is cold....
i am now like a dead corpse waiting to rot..............
i am unimportant n useless anyway....no people would ever seek anything out from me....
i am just 'me' nothing more......
faking a smile.....while having a knife stuck into my heart..........
How pathetic i am,and;
how miserable i am,
no one would notice,
no one would ask,
no one would care......
Friday, December 10, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
do men cry???
i have a question...'do men cry'??or is crying make a man look like a pussy??
i really want to...i want to cry till my heart burst,till my eyes drop...
is there a way to make me feel better?i want to run...run away from this miserable world....
Pressure is building up...i don't know how much longer i will be falling...
things i want to do...i want to have...is just a dream of mine...
can i really do it??
the dream i long for??
i scare that i will be to old to own those dreams of mine when i am able to...
I can't find any motivation to push thru now...
last time there was something to push me thru it
but now i have nothing...an empty shell of sorrow
someone...anyone...i hope the best of you....
i really want to...i want to cry till my heart burst,till my eyes drop...
is there a way to make me feel better?i want to run...run away from this miserable world....
Pressure is building up...i don't know how much longer i will be falling...
things i want to do...i want to have...is just a dream of mine...
can i really do it??
the dream i long for??
i scare that i will be to old to own those dreams of mine when i am able to...
I can't find any motivation to push thru now...
last time there was something to push me thru it
but now i have nothing...an empty shell of sorrow
someone...anyone...i hope the best of you....
Thursday, October 21, 2010
what is this pressure???
seriously...every time when i come back here...it will be all my sorrow n stuff...n it is because i treated blogger as a place for me to express what is inside of me....
Days had passed n gone...n my college started way back 2 months ago....n i din really do any good results in my studies...exams will be soon begin in another 15 hours...n here i am,being unable to do anything...study??no idea where should i start with...sleep?i can't,pressure is building...game???no mood for that....
The pressure is not only from my studies...it also from the bottom of my heart....damn...it's been so long,i still couldn't forget the incident happen in the past...what am i??a freak??DAMN!!! i didn't even talk with anyone with my problems except for my mother...n she couldn't anything for me either....n here i am just endure it all by myself....
Pressure is also building due to i am pretending to be what i supposed to be...maybe i have watched too much manga n anime these days...n now i am being more n more otaku-like...i can't really communicate well with ppl like how i could in front of the screen n phone....
Quote of the Day ~I am Screw Up~
Days had passed n gone...n my college started way back 2 months ago....n i din really do any good results in my studies...exams will be soon begin in another 15 hours...n here i am,being unable to do anything...study??no idea where should i start with...sleep?i can't,pressure is building...game???no mood for that....
The pressure is not only from my studies...it also from the bottom of my heart....damn...it's been so long,i still couldn't forget the incident happen in the past...what am i??a freak??DAMN!!! i didn't even talk with anyone with my problems except for my mother...n she couldn't anything for me either....n here i am just endure it all by myself....
Pressure is also building due to i am pretending to be what i supposed to be...maybe i have watched too much manga n anime these days...n now i am being more n more otaku-like...i can't really communicate well with ppl like how i could in front of the screen n phone....
Quote of the Day ~I am Screw Up~
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
haih...darn it....still can't figure it out y am i so bored n lifeless....nah,just leave it...i guess when i am back to my college next week, i will get even boring....
i have been thinking y am i so insist on thinking on something which seems so far away from me n keep dreaming about it...is it because it really hit me n sunk into my heart or it is just a way for me to motivate my poor little soul??i wonder....
really...who would have think about something that is so impossible to happen n yet still having hope for it...maybe i am too stupid enough to understand the meaning of 'giving up'...i have a rock heart will n my parents n friends knew that....haih....i am stupid...stupid....
feeling sad for myself n also feeling tired...tired of keep making fake smiles...tired of keep trying persuade my dream...tired of doing things i hate to...just tired of everything now...feeling like want to lock myself from the world n stay lonely for a while...my dream seems so far away from me now...will i ever get the dream i dreamt for n will i ever never felt like this anymore???
it is really hard to do this alone...i know it yet i want to do it...this is so senseless...am i??
after so long,y am i still remember the incident i dun want to...y do i still keep dreaming about it??WHY!!!i shouted in my heart all the time...it hurt but yet it hurt even more when seeing my dream fade away....i hate this feeling...I HATE IT!!!i want it to go away....please///
It's a really lonely world here...with just only me n myself locking in the bottom of eternity....
i have been thinking y am i so insist on thinking on something which seems so far away from me n keep dreaming about it...is it because it really hit me n sunk into my heart or it is just a way for me to motivate my poor little soul??i wonder....
really...who would have think about something that is so impossible to happen n yet still having hope for it...maybe i am too stupid enough to understand the meaning of 'giving up'...i have a rock heart will n my parents n friends knew that....haih....i am stupid...stupid....
feeling sad for myself n also feeling tired...tired of keep making fake smiles...tired of keep trying persuade my dream...tired of doing things i hate to...just tired of everything now...feeling like want to lock myself from the world n stay lonely for a while...my dream seems so far away from me now...will i ever get the dream i dreamt for n will i ever never felt like this anymore???
it is really hard to do this alone...i know it yet i want to do it...this is so senseless...am i??
after so long,y am i still remember the incident i dun want to...y do i still keep dreaming about it??WHY!!!i shouted in my heart all the time...it hurt but yet it hurt even more when seeing my dream fade away....i hate this feeling...I HATE IT!!!i want it to go away....please///
It's a really lonely world here...with just only me n myself locking in the bottom of eternity....
Sunday, June 27, 2010
this is stupid...y do i still come back here?after so long n i thought i could've finally stop blogging n live a normal life...but it seems like only this place can allow me to fill the emptiness inside me....
there is this feeling again...what v called frustration is emerging from the inside of me...for few weeks now n i still can't be able to shake it off...why??i dunno n everytime when i try to figuring it out...my frustration builds....n it is getting worse n worse...i tried to cry but i couldn't...the tears wouldn't come out no matter how hard i tried...i tried to face it but it only brings pains to my heart n soul...i tried to run away but my logic is telling me that running away isn't the best way to fix thing....
currently my body is getting more n more tire...i couldn't really sleep at night n the work i been thru now is also an uhappy experience i get.....frustration is keep on building n building inside me...nothing can really change my mind now...everyday i face a lot of ppl...what i do is just making a fake smile in front of them while hiding what is really going on inside of me....
pathetic life leads a pathetic end...i don't want that to happen...right now i feel nothing at all...in this world nothing matters now...as long as i am still breathing...the world is still going on its own cycle....nothing matters....
many people asked me this no matter from what religious they are..."DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?"
my answer would be,:"NO,BECAUSE I ONLY BELIEVE IN MYSELF N FATE,NOTHING ELSE"
there is this feeling again...what v called frustration is emerging from the inside of me...for few weeks now n i still can't be able to shake it off...why??i dunno n everytime when i try to figuring it out...my frustration builds....n it is getting worse n worse...i tried to cry but i couldn't...the tears wouldn't come out no matter how hard i tried...i tried to face it but it only brings pains to my heart n soul...i tried to run away but my logic is telling me that running away isn't the best way to fix thing....
currently my body is getting more n more tire...i couldn't really sleep at night n the work i been thru now is also an uhappy experience i get.....frustration is keep on building n building inside me...nothing can really change my mind now...everyday i face a lot of ppl...what i do is just making a fake smile in front of them while hiding what is really going on inside of me....
pathetic life leads a pathetic end...i don't want that to happen...right now i feel nothing at all...in this world nothing matters now...as long as i am still breathing...the world is still going on its own cycle....nothing matters....
many people asked me this no matter from what religious they are..."DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?"
my answer would be,:"NO,BECAUSE I ONLY BELIEVE IN MYSELF N FATE,NOTHING ELSE"
Saturday, March 6, 2010
i can't believe after so long...i am still coming back here to write thing like this...i know nobody will read or explore but at least this is a place where i can release myself...
all this time,i have been thinking,am i being blessed or i am being a paranoid again?
i have cured from the disease,i have recovered from the incident,but still it seems like the cycle still goes on...
again i have this kinda feeling...i can't describe it n i can't tell anyone...it is a kinda feeling u would feel when u r feeling lonely n down,maybe its called the "EMPTINESS",i guess...so far i haven't achieve in my studies...i haven't had a decent job...i don't even success in anything...y am i here?i keep asking me this question...
i feel like i am so useless...some people might say "u r lucky because your parents are still with u,u have all what you need to survive in this world,u r lucky u get to go to school,u r lucky this n that" i just dunno what i want...
i dunno my real self very much...i feel like i am getting worse n worst to know myself better...what can i do?what should i do?stay away from this world n keep myself lock in a small box or stay as who i am.........
~A REALLY LONELY DAY~
all this time,i have been thinking,am i being blessed or i am being a paranoid again?
i have cured from the disease,i have recovered from the incident,but still it seems like the cycle still goes on...
again i have this kinda feeling...i can't describe it n i can't tell anyone...it is a kinda feeling u would feel when u r feeling lonely n down,maybe its called the "EMPTINESS",i guess...so far i haven't achieve in my studies...i haven't had a decent job...i don't even success in anything...y am i here?i keep asking me this question...
i feel like i am so useless...some people might say "u r lucky because your parents are still with u,u have all what you need to survive in this world,u r lucky u get to go to school,u r lucky this n that" i just dunno what i want...
i dunno my real self very much...i feel like i am getting worse n worst to know myself better...what can i do?what should i do?stay away from this world n keep myself lock in a small box or stay as who i am.........
~A REALLY LONELY DAY~
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Forcing a Smile Out of Depression
I have been thru really rough days for a year now. I had this illness so called "Zhu Mou Dan" for a year. And feeling better for these few weeks after meeting with an old lady who is master in this.
Now my family is on a really hectic situation. One of my father's friends had owed my father for a lot of money which is now even asking us to lend her money, making us even more hectic. Not only one of my father's friend owed my father's money but a lot of them did too. Some were from business, some were personal reason. All of them giving excuses by saying they were broke but yet they asked us again n again to lend our money. What is the meaning of this?God has yet again to test our family and given us for another tough task.
My father now is really broke and being as his son, i really dunno what to do, i can't help but just standing aside watching both my parents suffer. Scratching their head out of idea to think of any possible ways to get our money back except by borrowing any other's money. I had asked a few shops whether they need any part time jobers but all were just empty hopes. Being the eldest son in the family, what can i do?what can i do to help my family?i think of stopping the college a lot of time, but now i can't even find a part time job not even talking about a full time job...
God is really giving our family a hard time and me a hard time. But this will not break our family apart, i had make up my mind to give my best to find a job n earn money from that until my internship starts. I hope my dear friends out there don't face problem like mine, hope for the best, think of the best, give out the best....
Now my family is on a really hectic situation. One of my father's friends had owed my father for a lot of money which is now even asking us to lend her money, making us even more hectic. Not only one of my father's friend owed my father's money but a lot of them did too. Some were from business, some were personal reason. All of them giving excuses by saying they were broke but yet they asked us again n again to lend our money. What is the meaning of this?God has yet again to test our family and given us for another tough task.
My father now is really broke and being as his son, i really dunno what to do, i can't help but just standing aside watching both my parents suffer. Scratching their head out of idea to think of any possible ways to get our money back except by borrowing any other's money. I had asked a few shops whether they need any part time jobers but all were just empty hopes. Being the eldest son in the family, what can i do?what can i do to help my family?i think of stopping the college a lot of time, but now i can't even find a part time job not even talking about a full time job...
God is really giving our family a hard time and me a hard time. But this will not break our family apart, i had make up my mind to give my best to find a job n earn money from that until my internship starts. I hope my dear friends out there don't face problem like mine, hope for the best, think of the best, give out the best....
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