My world is going to a down path where its been like this after i quit the job...
I had been explaining myself of me changing my career path of not being a technician anymore...
But my parents are just being so hard headed n so stubborn of not listening to me or any sort of my own explanation, still keep pushing to the valley of the death, of no return...
I hate my life being pushed, I hate my life being controlled, I hate my life of being a dumb ass...

I just need a chance to change, just need a reason so strong that make my parents to turn around n look at me again...
Why are my friends can do whatever they can without giving so much effort while I giving out all my effort on things we are doing together yet I have no payback....

I am still a dumb ass  at the end of the day, I am still a failure at the end of the Earth,
I had been looking down on since the day I born, I had been never appreciated on the day I born,
Nothing I do is able to make my parents happy, NOTHING....
They never trust me,
They never listen to me,
They always look down on me for thing I do,
It always failures for things I wanted to do,
Never in my life ever, my parents give trusts or supports on what I do....

I am always the black sheep of the family, I am always the one who bring shame to my family,
I am always the failure of the family, I am always the dumb ass to my family,
What else do I have to proof myself?
What worth do I have to stay alive?
What reason do I have to be in this house?

None....

O'holy God of Death, Bring ford your scythe, Cut the soul inside me, Take my soul away,
From this cruel world, From this reality, From this unfaithful universe....

I am dying, oh so slowly...
I am lonely, I am useless,
I have nothing but only a family,
no friends, no money, no work, no love,
my heart is beginning to turn into a stone.
hard stone build of sorrows and despairs,
I shouldn't have born if I am born this way,
I shouldn't have lived if I am living a life without a dream,

dreams shattered, into pieces,
tried to piece them back,
bit by bit, piece by piece,
try to make it a whole,
but shattered easily just by a light touch,

dream of a dream living in darkness,
where it swallows me as a whole,
and eats me as a failure,
failure of life, failure of a human being.

I wanna DIE....

Frustration isn't going anyway until you find a good way to release them...
That saying is correct, no idea who written that or said that, but its true...
Not matter how we try to forget our frustration, it gets back at us, ten times more...
From time to time, never miss, and the only way to release them is to find a way to let it out....

Some might say try exercising, not bad, a very good way to release your frustration,
Its healthy, make you sweat, and give you a very good body too, but some doesn't like it,
Too much work, you have to move around too much, you are too frustrated to do that...

Some might say try do some chores, not bad, another good way to release all the frustration you get,
Its beneficial, make your house looks cleaner, make your living space more like one,
Make you wanna do more, but still some wouldn't like them, why?
I scared I might break something, I scared i would make even more mess due to the frustration...

People gives excuses to every little thing they do, none other than GODs...
People try to run away from their responsibilities,
People try to forget what they have to do to make things right,
People try not to listen to those who have more wisdom,
People try to fuck up things when they get frustrated....

Why do we get frustration from people we don't even care?
Why do we get to see so much of idiotic people make fun of themselves?
Why do we get to feel the pain of others while we can't do something to help them feel better?
Why do we need to live without a purpose in life?n to find one if there is none at the moment?

So many questions unanswered,
So many frustrations piled up,
So many actions taken,
So many things done,
Yet, none prevail, none succeed, none has a purpose to go on...

I am here to run away from my reality,
I am here to release all my tensions,
I am here to fuck my life up,
I am here to see if things are all right after,
Too bad, its no use, n things are just fuck up as they do......

Killing myself slowly to see the world destroying on its own,
That is what I am doing now.......

I am frustrated,
That is all I know,
I am tensed,
That is all I know,
I am fuck,
That is all I know,

Why?
no reason, because that is how I am,
I don't know why do I have to go thru this
I don't know why do I have to be like this

For doing things in a too simple way?
For doing things for free?
For doing things like a real gentleman?
For doing things by just simply asking?

I get blame at the end for everything I do,
So what is the reason I did them?
Did I do that to make myself feel better?
Did I do that so that I can make myself look good?

FOR FUCKS I DO THOSE THINGS?
FUCKS I CARE IF YOU ARE NOT ONE I CARE?
FUCKS I WOULD GIVE?

Why?just tell me why?someone?anyone?
Why do I get blamed?
Why do I get nothing?
Why do I fail at everything?
Why am I me?Why am I here? Why am I even born?

I seems to be dull some times....
I seems to be dumb some times...
I seems to be idiotic some times...
I seems to be restless some times....

I am not myself when I am around your,
My heart goes on a highway races,
My brain goes on a never ending spinning gear,
My stomach is plunge into a chaos with butterflies.

Do I really need to say it out so that you would understand how I feel?
Do I really need to join all the letters together to let you know my feelings?
Do I really need to arrange all those words for you to read to let you know I truly love you?
Do I, no, Have I not make myself clear enough?

Truth is all I had left with,
Word is all I had to make u mine,
Feeling is all I had to show what I am,
Courage is all I had to take you away from others,
Love is all I need to proof what I made of.

I do soar when you cries,
I do feel when you're in need,
I do love when you're smiling,
I do react when you're crying,
I do cry when you're injured.

Please tell her that I truly LOVE her.
Please tell her that I truly CHERISH her.
Please tell her that I truly APPRECIATE her.

I LOVE YOU

How long do I need to wait?
How long do I need to sit?
How long do I need to pray?
How long do I need to joke?
For the one I desire the most

People comes, people leaves, that is how life is like....
We can't stop them from coming and interrupt our peaceful life
Nor we can't stop them from leaving our life...

They can come by just to say 'hi', just to check you out if you're ok,
They can also leave you lonely, and leave you only memories with them in them...
They can make you happy as if the world has no worries,
They can make you cry as if the world has turn into chaos...
They can be the light at the darkest moment,
Yet they can also be the darkness that covers our heart....

Please, be my ears, listen to me, I want to change,
Give me the strength to keep on,
Please, be gentle hands, touch me, I want to be happy,
Give me the happiness i longed for,
Please, be my heart, feel me, I want to love,
Give me the one I desire, to show her love.

Its been so long...i forgot when was the last blog i posted here....
No one would even read my blog, but i kept writting them....
I dunno why did i even think of coming back here...
Nothing has changed...
Its all the same...

What is with me anyway?
Thinking of you like it was yesterday...
Thinking of you like there was still hope...
Thinking of you when I want to change...
Thinking of you when I am still "me"...

God has yet to answer me, my questions
My question of how to forget you
My question of how to change "me"
My question of how to get you closer to me
My question of how to get me closer to you
My question of how to fall in love again
My question of how to change things............

Doing things on my own, with my own ways and with my own strengths
had tiring me down, I wanna rest, I wanna escape, I wanna run,
but proof no results, try to rest, try to escape, try to run,
but proof no meaning, why I wanna rest, why I wanna escape, why I wanna run,
away from this cruel reality, this cruel truth, this cruel way of living....
proof no connections....

To whoever reading this, to whoever care of this, I am happy, because I know,
someone still care, someone still love, someone still think,
I am exist....
In this cruel world, in this cruel reality, in this cruel truth, I had lived in...

Being a man is hard, but being a man who is ignorant is harder.....

Everyone says that on the 21st year of your life...very special things will happen in your life...
and now i know what my present on my 21st year of my life would be...
a devastating, poverty, n poor life...a life where i can never reach the goal that i wish for...
the goal that i made...
it's sucks to be living for 21 years n yet nothing great come out of me...
all i can do is just sit back n watch as my family works hard while i can't do anything to help them...
all i can do is just watch...
i am helpless and i am an idiot to still holding believes about my goals n dreams will b coming true...
i wanna abandon all hopes n dreams now...i really wanna to leave this place at once...
i wanna restart my life...i wanna help my family, so that they will never suffer again....

i really wanna to have the ability to help not to watch as things go by...
i really sucks of being the eldest son in the family...
i really sucks at being a human being...i sucks at everything...

It's been a while...i had pick up smoking once again n i wonder why is that??
I started out smoking when i was still a high school-er n stop when i finished high school...
Its exactly been a year i started smoking n a year i stopped but yet i started it out again...funny,huh?
I wonder why??because of my friend??because of i wanted to??or it was because of you??
I started it out when i was forced into a world of loneliness, a world where only darkness imply, none shall experience this yet i did...after that accident...
WHY!! I asked myself...WHY!!
I should be able to hold it off like i always do but why can't i let you go...no matter how time flies or how i try to forget...THERE WOULD A PIECE OF YOU IN MY MIND!!!WHY!!!
I tried to cry but it wouldn't work...my tears had long stopped flowing...
I tried to work myself out...my body is the only that tired out not my mind...
I tried to run...no matter when i go, there is still you...

Latter on i smoked...AH~what a relief...i found something which i could use as an excuse to get YOU out of my mind...
I know i am killing myself, i am committing suicide in a slow way...but YOU wouldn't stop hunting me...
Maybe it is not you, the reason i smoke again...maybe it was all along me who can't let go of things and still having beliefs that will not become true...
HAHA~i laughed whenever my mind came across with YOU in it...
I laughed is not because i found it funny but found it annoying, so annoying that, the only way to stop it is to laugh it out....

Ah..ah~maybe it was all me all along, to think that a person like me who possess both strong will n strong heart to start back smoking, is really something to laugh about...haha....

Despair

I wonder how long had it been....that i am being left alone....n no one would actually called n say something to me...
I wonder how long had it been....that i am being stuck in my own emotions.....n no one would notice that...
I wonder how long had it been....that i fell into a no ending hole of despair....n no one would help me n save me....
I wonder how long had it been....that i realized i am only surviving on my own....n no one would be there for me

Despair is how i feel now,
Despair is how i live now,
Despair is now become my friend,
Despair is now the way i live in.....

The world that I live in is only Despair and Hopeless...
My so called friends, so called brothers, are just illusion for me,
When I really need a hand, no one answer...no one would ever hear from me...
I wanna talk about it, but I think its better for me to keep it with me...
Till the day I am no longer having a body, n became dust that roaming the world freely.....

I would not cry and I would not run away...even if i am all alone...
I would fight and I will win...even if I am all alone...
I would stand up everytime I fall...even if I am all alone...
I would...being despair...and still live my life as it is...

Even if I am all alone.....

I can't promise that i can give u everything that u desire,
I can't promise that i can love u how your exes do,
I can't promise that i can give a life which u deserve the most,
I can't promise that i can be how you wanted me to, but;

I will give my only heart and only soul to u,
I will love you no matter how you complain,
I will give you a life which u live the happiest,
I will never make you become what you don't want to....

I promise I LOVE YOU...till the light fades,
I LOVE YOU...till the rain never touches the sea,
I LOVE YOU...till the sea dries...
I LOVE YOU...till my tears never drop....

Someone had never been in love before...does he really qualify of giving advice in love??
Someone had never understand or appreciate any joke before....does he really qualify of listening to a joke?
Someone who like to make fun of other people while thinking it as a joke...does he really have the right to judge people?
Someone who has never been serious about something....does he seriously able to do everything?

these are the people i meet everyday and everywhere......

It's Cold Out Here

It's cold...it is really cold here...the world is cold...i can't find any warmth in any place now....not even in my house....not among myself....all i can feel is cold....
i am now like a dead corpse waiting to rot..............
i am unimportant n useless anyway....no people would ever seek anything out from me....
i am just 'me' nothing more......
faking a smile.....while having a knife stuck into my heart..........

How pathetic i am,and;
how miserable i am,
no one would notice,
no one would ask,
no one would care......

do men cry???

i have a question...'do men cry'??or is crying make a man look like a pussy??
i really want to...i want to cry till my heart burst,till my eyes drop...
is there a way to make me feel better?i want to run...run away from this miserable world....

Pressure is building up...i don't know how much longer i will be falling...
things i want to do...i want to have...is just a dream of mine...
can i really do it??
the dream i long for??
i scare that i will be to old to own those dreams of mine when i am able to...

I can't find any motivation to push thru now...
last time there was something to push me thru it
but now i have nothing...an empty shell of sorrow

someone...anyone...i hope the best of you....

what is this pressure???

seriously...every time when i come back here...it will be all my sorrow n stuff...n it is because i treated blogger as a place for me to express what is inside of me....
Days had passed n gone...n my college started way back 2 months ago....n i din really do any good results in my studies...exams will be soon begin in another 15 hours...n here i am,being unable to do anything...study??no idea where should i start with...sleep?i can't,pressure is building...game???no mood for that....
The pressure is not only from my studies...it also from the bottom of my heart....damn...it's been so long,i still couldn't forget the incident happen in the past...what am i??a freak??DAMN!!! i didn't even talk with anyone with my problems except for my mother...n she couldn't anything for me either....n here i am just endure it all by myself....
Pressure is also building due to i am pretending to be what i supposed to be...maybe i have watched too much manga n anime these days...n now i am being more n more otaku-like...i can't really communicate well with ppl like how i could in front of the screen n phone....

Quote of the Day ~I am Screw Up~

life is misery

as i said life is in misery....

haih...darn it....still can't figure it out y am i so bored n lifeless....nah,just leave it...i guess when i am back to my college next week, i will get even boring....
i have been thinking y am i so insist on thinking on something which seems so far away from me n keep dreaming about it...is it because it really hit me n sunk into my heart or it is just a way for me to motivate my poor little soul??i wonder....
really...who would have think about something that is so impossible to happen n yet still having hope for it...maybe i am too stupid enough to understand the meaning of 'giving up'...i have a rock heart will n my parents n friends knew that....haih....i am stupid...stupid....
feeling sad for myself n also feeling tired...tired of keep making fake smiles...tired of keep trying persuade my dream...tired of doing things i hate to...just tired of everything now...feeling like want to lock myself from the world n stay lonely for a while...my dream seems so far away from me now...will i ever get the dream i dreamt for n will i ever never felt like this anymore???

it is really hard to do this alone...i know it yet i want to do it...this is so senseless...am i??

after so long,y am i still remember the incident i dun want to...y do i still keep dreaming about it??WHY!!!i shouted in my heart all the time...it hurt but yet it hurt even more when seeing my dream fade away....i hate this feeling...I HATE IT!!!i want it to go away....please///

It's a really lonely world here...with just only me n myself locking in the bottom of eternity....

this is stupid...y do i still come back here?after so long n i thought i could've finally stop blogging n live a normal life...but it seems like only this place can allow me to fill the emptiness inside me....
there is this feeling again...what v called frustration is emerging from the inside of me...for few weeks now n i still can't be able to shake it off...why??i dunno n everytime when i try to figuring it out...my frustration builds....n it is getting worse n worse...i tried to cry but i couldn't...the tears wouldn't come out no matter how hard i tried...i tried to face it but it only brings pains to my heart n soul...i tried to run away but my logic is telling me that running away isn't the best way to fix thing....
currently my body is getting more n more tire...i couldn't really sleep at night n the work i been thru now is also an uhappy experience i get.....frustration is keep on building n building inside me...nothing can really change my mind now...everyday i face a lot of ppl...what i do is just making a fake smile in front of them while hiding what is really going on inside of me....
pathetic life leads a pathetic end...i don't want that to happen...right now i feel nothing at all...in this world nothing matters now...as long as i am still breathing...the world is still going on its own cycle....nothing matters....
many people asked me this no matter from what religious they are..."DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?"
my answer would be,:"NO,BECAUSE I ONLY BELIEVE IN MYSELF N FATE,NOTHING ELSE"

i can't believe after so long...i am still coming back here to write thing like this...i know nobody will read or explore but at least this is a place where i can release myself...
all this time,i have been thinking,am i being blessed or i am being a paranoid again?
i have cured from the disease,i have recovered from the incident,but still it seems like the cycle still goes on...
again i have this kinda feeling...i can't describe it n i can't tell anyone...it is a kinda feeling u would feel when u r feeling lonely n down,maybe its called the "EMPTINESS",i guess...so far i haven't achieve in my studies...i haven't had a decent job...i don't even success in anything...y am i here?i keep asking me this question...
i feel like i am so useless...some people might say "u r lucky because your parents are still with u,u have all what you need to survive in this world,u r lucky u get to go to school,u r lucky this n that" i just dunno what i want...
i dunno my real self very much...i feel like i am getting worse n worst to know myself better...what can i do?what should i do?stay away from this world n keep myself lock in a small box or stay as who i am.........
~A REALLY LONELY DAY~